Conflicted

I hate you, I love you,
I’m bitterly torn,
My mind and my body,
So savagely worn,
From childhood to adult,
I walked a tight rope,
Between anger & fear,
Desperation & hope.

I was always conflicted,
But never at ease,
I spent my whole life,
Only wanting to please,
But there was no way,
I could ever kick goals,
My heart was a target,
All riddled with holes.

I love you, I hate you,
My soul in a bind,
You flipped between anger,
And being so kind,
I never quite knew,
Who was prancing on stage,
So I tried to be good,
To avoid all the rage.

I felt so rejected,
I couldn’t make good,
Always tossed to the fray,
Never knew where I stood,
I wanted acceptance,
But never could trust,
Cause your actions & words,
Threw me under the bus.

I hate you, I love you,
It all became clear,
My heart and my soul,
Always holding so dear,
The love of a mother,
And how that should feel,
What a pity, for me,
It was never quite real.

I wonder how long,
It will take to forgive,
Cause fear of your mother,
Is no way to live,
Whatever my thoughts,
The conundrum is real,
When life gives you lemons,
The taste is surreal.

I love you, I hate you,
Despite all the pain,
The sheer obligation,
Just drives me insane,
I do deserve more,
Than to be put upon,
I hate you, I love you,
The war lingers on.

© The Complicated Bunny – 23 Oct 2020