Identity vs Confusion

I’ve never truly known myself,
I’ve lived my life confused,
I bounced around from here to there,
Avoiding parts abused,
Which festered deep within me,
Stripping everything I hold,
I wish I could live bravely,
But I’m far from being bold.

I never had a sense of self,
I only knew such fear,
That echoed through the labyrinth,
Invading every sphere,
That tore apart my sanity,
And etched embittered hate,
I wish I could be anything,
But broken was my fate.

Beliefs and values torn apart,
Relationships awash,
I never understood the reason,
I could barely quash,
The rage that had infected me,
The pain that ruled my mind,
And all the while I kept,
My bloody nose towards the grind.

And grind I did, to make a life,
Not knowing who I was,
Or why the world rejected me,
And used me just because,
I felt this drive to put them first,
And leave my needs behind,
Another gift from childhood,
Where my hopes were dashed in kind.

I’ve never truly known myself,
Confusion was my path,
I tried to find a future,
In the bleak cruel aftermath,
Of narcissistic negligence,
A trail of much dismay,
Identity is still a myth,
And still I’ve lost my way.

© The Complicated Bunny – 28 Jan 2022

This poem is the fifth in a series of poems based around Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development which is something my psychologist and I are currently exploring.